Should I Accept And Move On?
by Lady Blade WarAngel
Summary: One of the Kaiba Brothers, feels alone, after dealing with the death of a loved one, he reflects on depression, and what a large part it has played in his life. VERY angsty, character death. Don;t bother flaming, coz it really isn;t worth it.


A/N: O.K. this is a serious thing that I want to say. I wrote this story because I want people to understand something. People with depression need to talk to someone. Sometimes it isn't as controlable as you think. It grows worse and darker, until it consumes you. You snap at your friends, your family, and everyone around you. You can hardly understand what is wrong, and it will make you feel worse. But you don't consider for a minute that anything is really wrong. Feeling miserable, tired, and having no appetite also comes with depression. But those who have depression really need to sort their heads out, before they do something they will regret. That is why I wrote this fic. I want people to know that you can't always control what is going on in your head, or your life.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
SUMMERY: One of the Kaiba Brothers, feels alone, after dealing with the death of a loved one, he reflects on depression, and what a large part it has played in his life.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Should I Accept and Move On?  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
I look at the gravestone of my friend Yugi. He was killed in a hit and run accident. What was worse, was that it was all Duke's fault. He was high on what my brother said were happy pils. He stole them from my brother anyways,. They were anti-depressants. They usually make my brother sleep. I don't understand why they made Duke act like he was drunk. But does it really matter now? Now that Yugi is dead, and there is no way he will laugh and smile with us again. Or help anyone again. Or even show up around town, with Joey, Tristan and Tea, and have that smile, that always made him so innocent. Does it really matter WHY it happened? Or should I just accept that my friend is gone and move on, like I accepted the deaths of the others.  
  
I leave a flower on Yugi's grave. Then I go to the other graves. The graves of my parents. I start to remember the clipping that I read about them once, in the newspaper. Before Seto took it away, thinking that I shouldn't read it. Oh, just because I sound like a mature human being, doesn't mean I couldn't be Mokuba. I bet you all thought I was Seto for a few minutes. I mean, he's not the only mature one. Anyway, back to the clipping. I remember it so clearly.  
  
~*~*~*~FLASHBACK~*~*~*~  
  
I was sat in the room I shared with Seto at the orphanage. I was too young to remember what happened to my parents. I wish I still hadn't found out. I opened up Seto's big box of stuff. Well, actually it was a shoebox. It had everything in it that I could think of. Old things to remind him of places we had been, and things we had done. In it, I found a scrapbook. I opened it and read the first clipping.  
  
WOMAN STRANGLED TO DEATH IN STREET MUGGING!!!  
  
I wondered why anything like that would be written. In the newspaper. What Seto wanted with the clipping. Then I saw the name on the inside cover. Hakujo Ryohoji. That had been our father's name. Funny, if everything hadn't happened, can you imagine the name? Seto and Mokuba Ryohoji? It would've been weird.  
  
I read the story. A woman, had been killed when she had begged the mugger, to let her go, because she had no money. The woman had been pregnant, and her name? Her name had been Amiko Ryohoji. The woman, had been our mother. If she wasn't dead, I might've had a little brother or sister. THAT defiantly would've been strange. It was scary. That was when Seto came into the room. He looked pretty angry, when he snatched the book out of my hands. Then put it back into the box, and put the box under his bed. "Mokuba, you shouldn't read that. It's not good for you to read. You're too little." Seto said. I asked no more questions as Seto led me out of the room, and we played outside for awhile.  
  
~*~*~*~END FLASHBACK~*~*~*~  
  
Sometimes I still wonder what my life would've been like, if our mother was stil alive. What kind of little brother or sister I would've had. What kind of person I would be with her influence and my father's influence. Seto thinks I don't know what happened to dad. He thinks I was too little to remember. He must be joking. You don't forget somethng like that. It haunts you for the rest of your life.  
  
~*~*~*~FLASHBACK~*~*~*~  
  
"Dady?" I remember calling him. Though I can't remember what I wanted. It's still blurry. I remember running into the room, that my father used. Seto and I shared a room. I walked in, just in time to hear the shot. I remembered the noise from the movies. Then I looked at my father. He was lying across the bed. There was blood everywhere. I remember crying, and dialling the operator, like mom had taught me to do. I thought it was so special when she had taught me. I didn't think it was good now. I remember telling the woman, that I heard a gun, then I saw my father lying on the bed sleeping. I said there was lots of tomato ketchup. But obviously I'm not stupid enough to think that it was tomato ketchup anymore.  
  
I remember sitting there, staring at Daddy, for what seemed like hours. Seeing the `tomato ketchup' still going everywhere. I was too little to be in school. That was where Seto was. I saw the ketchup running all over Daddy's face, and messing up his brown hair that was like Seto's. It dripped down the side of the bed. It got into the beige carpet that I remember mom loved so well. I tried talking to him. But Dady never answered. I know now, it's because he was dead.  
  
Then the door was broken open. I know that because I heard the wood splinter, and the door crash into the wall. Some people came into the room. I looked up at them. I know now that they were police officers. "Are you here to make the ketchup stop going everywhere?" I had asked. I was so naive. So trusting and young. I remember one female officer saying to me. "Yes, that is what we are going to do sweetie." I have no idea about much of what happened next. I remember a lollipop that was cherry flavoured, and then Seto, who was hugging me. I still had no real idea, what was going on.  
  
~*~*~*~END FLASHBACK~*~*~*~  
  
Still, it's hard to believe that I watched that. I watched my father kill himself. But it hardly affected me at all. I know I was always afraid of guns. I NEVER used tomato ketchup on anything. I always said I hated it. I think it's because I had reffered to my father's blood as ketchup, when I was still wondering what was going on. Maybe subconciously I WAS affected somehow. I know WHY my father killed himself. I heard Seto talking about it once. With the woman of the orphanage. He didn't get much of a choice as to what HE wanted to do.  
  
Our father had decided that he couldn't go on without our mother, and he HAD to end it all. Woah, we didn't mean jack shit to him. I mean, when it was all said and done, what did he do? Instead of looking after us, like Mom would've wanted him to do. He had to kill himself, coz he couldn't live without her. That egocentric bastad.  
  
Do not get me wrong. I loved my father. He was a great dad, when he was living. But sometimes i just wonder WHY he had to do it. WHY? Weren't we good enough to stay alive for? Was it my fault? What had I really done wrong, to make him commit suicide? Then I have to force myself to remember that it was HIM, who committed suicide. It wasn't my fault. It was his fault. He shouldn't have left us. But he did, and that is where we ended up. The orphanage. Where Gozuburo Kaiba adopted us. Where Seto totally changed. I mean, as if having a murdered mother, and a suicide father, wasn't bad enough, that bastard had to adopt us.  
  
I remembered Seto slaving away. Working so hard. When he was twelve, something happened. Seto had just gone mental. He went completely crazy and trashed the whole room. I had NEVER seen my brother actually angry like that before. It was scary. I had hoped NEVER to see it again. EVER again. I remember going with Seto when Gozuburo took him to a doctor.  
  
~*~*~*~FLASHBACK~*~*~*~  
  
"Good morning Mr Kaiba." I remember the doctor greeting my stepfather coldly, as we all stepped into the office. It seemed sterile. Like a hospital room. It had scared me. But the doctor carried on talking. "Your stepson, shows signs of Severe Depression. I'm afraid if he doesn't go to see a psychiatrist, the fit that he had, could get much worse. He could become lethargic. Refuse to eat. Maybe even kill himself, if it is allowed to get to it's worst stages." They spoke as if Seto wasn;t even there. I remember him clenching and unclenching his fists, as if he was trying to control his temper.  
  
I remember thinking about Dad, and the `tomato ketchup' then imagined Seto in Daddy's place. It made me shake with fear. I didn;t want my brother to die. I prayed Gozuburo, would allow Seto to get the help he so desperatly needed. Gozuburo glared. "What my son needs is some strict discipline, not special attention." Gozuburo had said. Now I was scared, more then I had ever been in my life. Gozuburo was going to treat him worse. Would it push my big brother over the edge?  
  
~*~*~*~END FLASHBACK~*~*~*~  
  
My brother had survived Gozuburo's cruel treatment. He had become as cold as ice. But I knew that underneath that exterior, was someone who really needed to know they were wanted.  
  
I loved my brother. I needed him around. I think that's the only reason that Seto hasn't tried to kill himself yet. But I know he does other things. I know he hurts himself to make it feel better. He slashes his own wirsts, and watches himself bleed. I know, even though Seto thinks I don't. Have you ever noticed, how even on the warmest day, my brother will refuse to wear a t-shirt? Only long sleeved tops? That is because he slashes up and down his arms, and the scars would show if he wore anything that had short sleeves. Old scars, and fresher cuts, that didn't heal. Seto never gave them the chance. He just carried on hurting himself. I was afraid that one day, he would go too far. That he would cut too deep and then he would leave me all alone.  
  
Sometimes I wondered if I didn't want to die. I loved my brother. But I don't think he even noticed how alone I felt. He was too busy dealing with his own pain. How could he ever notice, that I was getting the condition that he still had. I wished that sometimes, Seto would just say "Forget work today, let's play a video game, huh Mokuba?" I would nod, and I could sit and play with him. For once. Do what normal brothers did. I knew that he would cream me. Him being a genius and all. But all I wanted was his attention. I needed him to care. I knew it wouldn't be happening anytime soon. He was hurting too much to notice anymore, that I needed him.  
  
I sat at the gravesite. Wishing that sometimes, I could join them. The dead. They seemed so much more peaceful then I was. They had no more problems. They were dead. But was that really a solution? Could I just die? I thought about it alot. I used to talk to Yugi about it. Yeah, he wasn't so naive as everyone thought he was. In fact he gave me some good advice. "Once you're dead, you can't come back from that. It's a one way ticket. But why would you want a one way tickety, when you still have so much to live for?" I sitll remember that advice. I wonder if you all noticed yet, that Yugi and I are supposed to be the innocent ones. Yet we both seem to know what's going on more then the others. I mean seriously, people who look really inncoent, may not always be the way you think they are.  
  
I heard someone come and stand next to me. I looked up at Seto. He looked down at me. I finally decided to do what I thought was right. I finally decided that I need to talk to Seto. We needed to air our dirty laundry and our dark secrets, We both needed to get help, before the depression destroyed us. Like it did our father. Like it had done to so many.  
  
"Big brother?" I say to him tentativly. "Yeah Mokuba?" Seto asks. "I wanna know the truth about what happened to mom. I want to know why you hurt yourself. I want to know why we don't go to see someone who can help." I said. Seto looks down at me. He nods. I take his hand and we walk out of the graveyard. I promise myself that I will be back, and I will carry on placing flowers for those who have passed on. Try to remember them as they were. Not what they had become. As for Yugi, I thanked him. I would be forever grateful. I don't know if Seto will get the help he needs. But at least he will tell me the truth now. Instead of keeping it locked away.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
O.K. I want you all to seriously tell me what you thought. There are so many types of deprssion. Manic Depression, Post Natal Depression, Severe Depression. The list is pretty much endless. And at least 90% of all suicides are committed by people suffering from depression. People who feel they can't go on, and have nothing to live for. People who have suffered trauma's, and feel like there is nothing that will get rid of the images that run through their heads. Some people, who suffer from depression, are rape victims, who cannot get over what has happened to them. Some who suffer from depressin, don't even know WHY they are miserable, why they feel so alone, and why they think life sucks.  
  
For all of you who feel like this. I know it isn't easy. But most of the time, the best thing to do is talk to someone about it. Or at least to try and sort through your problems in your head. Bottling them up, will make it worse. What I have written about, I know about from experiance. Many sufferers are teenagers. Aged between twelve and twenty one.  
  
I know what you are thinking. I'm acting as though depression is a sickness. Well, it is a sickness in a way. A sickness in your head. But let me tell you now, that it can be cured. All you need to do, is tell someone how you feel. It should really be your parents. Or if you can face it, a counsillor. Not all of them are bad. If you find the right one, then they will make sure that you definatly get over depression. So that you don't feel bad about yourself, and don't feel bad about other people. Alos if you are over eighteen, a counsillor cannot ever repeat what you say to anyone.  
  
The only way that a counsillor can reveal what you say when you are under eighteen, is if they believe you to be in danger at home. If you are being abused at home, then you really should tell someone anyways. Because you definatly can't deal with it on your own. It's better to deal with it, then leave it bottled away. Because once you tell someone, you can't be hurt by your parents. Despite what they tell you, because legally, they are the ones who are on the wrong, and they need to get help themselves if they do abuse you. Parents should NEVER abuse chidren. So whatever you may think, talking to someone, will help.  
  
Seriously, I want to know what you all really think. Not just, `Woah, great story.' Or `Damn, this is the worst story I have ever read.' I want your honest opinions. So please do tell me. I hope that this story has helped some people. Even if it hasn't I hope that you all learn something from it. because everything that is mentioned, can and HAS happened before. Maybe not to me in particular. But it HAS happened. 


End file.
